Bou Bhaath drama, Part II

This morning, Groom and I talked about the whole Bou Bhaath debacle.  We agreed (or so I thought) that despite tradition or what have you, the date needed to be the day after the wedding because a) this is our wedding and no one else's, b) everyone needs to be glad we're even doing it in India in the first place and c) tradition is fine until someone is getting hurt (mentally or physically), and d) we are limited on time as it is because of work, school, vacation, etc.

So after our talk, Groom called his parents.  He grabbed his phone and started opening the patio door.

"Where are you going?"

"Outside."

"Why?  Do you not want me to hear what you're saying?"

"Not really.  I don't want you to hate my parents in case they say something annoying."  Seriously?  WTF.  I would never hate them... that is so ludicrous.

"I would never hate your parents.  And I would hope you would tell me what all they say anyways."

To which he replied with a loud silence before going outside.  15 minutes later he re-emerged, looking annoyed.

"...So?  What happened, what'd they say?"

"They're pretty set in their ways... my dad said your dad said it was ok."

"What?  Well, he said he'd just go along with it, after realizing that your parents weren't having anything else as an option."

And then Groom just sat there, not saying anything.

"...So what is the bottomline?  What is happening?"

"They're keeping the date as is.  There was no talking to them about it.. as soon as I suggested changing the date, they both starting talking at the same time really loudly so I just said ok because it was annoying."

At this point I was beyond annoyed.  I didn't understand what happened, given that before he called them, we discussed what we wanted and he was totally agreeing with me.  Then he talks to his parents and things turn around 180 degrees.  I was sitting and thinking all this when he asked what was wrong.

"I am annoyed.  I am annoyed that we discussed what we both wanted and then you didn't follow thru.  I'm annoyed at how this is turning out.  I'm annoyed that they're being so inflexible."

"Well what do you want me to do, call them back?  They're all about tradition, I can't just say 'No, we want it this way' and then they accept that!"

"Ok, so who is getting married here?  Is it you and me, or them?  This is supposed to be our wedding.  We're doing all this, the wedding in India and most of the traditional crap, for them. I don't see why they can't compromise on this one little thing...Like I said, I am fine with tradition as long as it doesn't hurt someone else..."  I sighed.  "And no, don't bother calling back."

"Fuck this, I am calling them back.  This is so stupid."

So he went and called them back.  Again out to the patio.  30 minutes later he comes back inside.

"That took a while."

"Yeah."

"...So???  What did they say?"

"They didn't know it was a big deal about your dad's relative... but I explained the situation and they understood.  They said that we need to change the date and that they'd call your parents about that.  How much was the deposit?"

"What?!  We won't be able to find another venue, everything is booked... and the deposit was like a grand."

"Rupees or dollars?"

"Dollars!!"

"What?!  That seems like too much... well, I can pay for half and you can pay the other half if we can move it."

"My dad won't take my money.  I doubt he'd take yours either.  That's beside the point though, we won't be able to find a place."

"Well I don't know what to do.  There's no talking to them, their mind is made up.  We'll see after they talk to your parents again.  My parents said that they told your parents that the Bou Bhaath would be on that date once we decided the date of the wedding and your dad didn't say anything at that time.  And also, why did he put down a deposit before telling my parents?"

"That is annoying... I have no idea why he didn't tell your parents that... and why does he need to tell your parents before putting a deposit down?  I wouldn't have either.. he's planning and paying for everything, and your parents knew the wedding date, what more is there?  The date was set."

"No it wasn't, that's what we're discussing now."

"No, the date of the wedding was set.  The Bou Bhaath is what is not set in stone."

Our argument went on and on like that.  It finally fizzled and we were both sitting like zombies on the couch for 15 minutes before Groom got up abruptly saying, "Well, this is stupid and I'm not going to let this mess up my whole weekend."

Which really annoyed me because I feel like he was saying that only because his parents are kind of in the wrong right now... don't know if it'd be the case is it were vice versa. I needed to be out of that environment, I needed to be alone.

So here I am, sitting at a Starbucks, writing this to vent all my frustrations out to you, fair reader.  I am enjoying being alone with my thoughts, my coffee and this laptop.  Actually, I don't want to go home, but I know I need to eventually.  Till then, I will surf the net, peruse some magazines and people watch. 

Stay tuned for the next episode of drama... shouldn't be long. 

ETA: Damn, this coffee served as a laxative for me.  Guess I'm going home now!

Bou Bhaath drama, Part I

I am so livid right now.  Both our parents are being completely annoying.  To understand, you need to know a little bit about Indian - Bengali, in particular - weddings.

So for Bengali Hindu weddings, it's customary to have the actual wedding one day, then chill the next day (doing what?  why?  where?), and then the next day having this thing called Bou Bhaath.  This last thing is for a "welcoming the bride into the groom's family" party.  Don't even GET me started on that stuff (where is the "welcoming of the groom into the bride's family" shindig, eh?) but either way, it is always traditionally done two days after the wedding.

Well, we had a death in our family a few years ago with a relative that my dad was fairly close to... their family had done a lot for my dad's family many moons ago, so the passing was hard for my dad.  Anyway, so this is relevant because the anniversary of this relative's passing is on the Bou Bhaath day.  I, being completely unfamiliar with how Indian weddings go, just picked the wedding date for whatever day I wanted and thought nothing more of it.  Originally, I had picked that day, the very day of that relative's passing.  So my dad told me about how that day wasn't good because a lot of people wouldn't attend the wedding because of sadness, whatever.  So I changed it to two days prior, having no idea that now the Bou Bhaath was on this day.  My ignorance has cost me my peace.

Fast forward to last night.  My dad called me in a tizzy.

"They are being very insensitive!"

"What are you talking about, Baba?"

"We told them when the wedding is going to be, I've been on the phone night after night for hours on end  trying to book venues and finally got a place.. put down a deposit and now Groom's dad is telling me to change the date because they have to have the Bou Bhaath on the date that DeadRelative died."

"Oh."

"I told him the situation, and he said 'it's been a while anyway'... what?!?  How insensitive can you be?  It's barely been a few years!  And who is he to tell me how to cope with my feelings?  As soon as I suggested another date, I heard Groom's mother in the background screaming about how it can't be another date due to tradition... I had a little anger in my voice, and said 'Ok, do what you need to do.'  But I'm telling you this, not him, I may not show up because I have to give respect to DeadRelative.  His family did so much for us and I can't turn my back..."

"Ok..."

"He told me to change the date.  Like that is so easy to do.  I told him that I'd been looking for a long time, at many different venues but they were all booked.  He kept asking to look again.  I'm the one planning everything, I'm the one paying for everything and he can't be flexible on this one thing?  It's already costing $10K.  I'm trying to stay out of conflict as much as possible though... if they want to do it on that date, well it'll be fine, but your/our side of the family probably will be sparse."

"Oh, ok... well did you ask if they could change the date to the following day or maybe three days after?"

"Yes, like I said before... Day after wedding is unacceptable to Groom's mom because it's not tradition. She started getting very excited in the background and talking loudly.  Two days after is unacceptable because people are flying in from all over the country and they can't stay 'that many days after'.  Just one more day?  Seriously?  And have they already bought their train/plane tickets?  This early in advance?  I doubt it.  But I didn't want to go into contention and ask, so I didn't say anything."

It went on and on like that.  I've never seen my dad so worked up about something that wasn't geared towards me and my numerous offences... it was weird.  I felt like he was yelling at me, though I know he was not.

Anyway, as I was talking, Groom's phone started buzzing and I intuitively knew it was Groom's parents.  I tried to get Groom's attention, but he was otherwise occupied, doing dudely things like watching TV, playing video games, etc.  He couldn't hear me.

I finally got off the phone with my parents and told Groom about all the drama.  He agreed that his parents were being inflexible and would call them the following morning (today.)

Fell asleep with a headache and a stomach ache.

Anonymous international call

Today at the most inopportune time (trying to find parking in a busy street downtown), I got three phone calls in a row.  Well no, two phone calls and one text.  But they all sounded the same: buzz, buzz, buzz in my purse.

After finally parking (and subsequently being frazzled because I can't park worth crap and thus had to go over a curb to fit in the space), I checked who had hit me up.  One was some random number from Washington state.  I get telemarketers trying to call me all the time (that Do Not Call list is absolute crap) so I figured that's who that was.  Second number was an international one.  So it can be a number of people... well, two categories of people: my relatives or Groom's relatives.

Either way, I am glad I didn't pick up.  There's nothing more awkward than talking to older relatives in a language you're not used to speaking, acting like you care and are jovial when you obviously aren't.  They didn't leave a message, which is strange, but also good.  No message, no need to call back.

I haven't heard from my parents recently, which means they're either cursing me as a bad, ungrateful daughter or they just don't care.  Both equally lovely prospects.  I need to call them and see what the latest drama update is with respect to the wedding planning.

Random relative's facebook message

Yesterday I logged onto facebook and noticed I had a message in my inbox.  I opened it and it turned out to be one of Groom's distant relatives.  She had misspelled half of what all she wrote, but the overall message said something about welcoming me to the family and how she was happy for me/us.

So I know that when you marry someone, it means that you are becoming a part of their family.  And it's more so that the woman replaces her current family with the new groom's family than vice versa.  Well, I don't know what it was, but that really rubbed me the wrong way.  I know that she meant well, but I don't know this person and I don't really want to be a part of HER family.  Groom's yes, this random's, no.  I know they're not mutually exclusive though. ::sigh::

The worst part about it was that Groom barely recognized her name when I told him about it! 

I think the main cause of my feeling the way I feel is because my own parents don't deal with their respective in-laws well.  One side is totally overtly disrespectful, while the other is covertly disrespectful.  But either way, there is no acceptance.  And since that's all I've ever lived with and seen, that's what is being played out now in my life.  Damn it all!!!  How do normal people deal with this stuff?

I really wish all this crap didn't bother me so much.  I mean, this whole, "Welcome to my family."  I don't know if my side will say anything like that to Groom.  I wish we could just form a whole new family and not deal with the current relatives... but that's not really reality.  So yeah.

Damn facebook messes with my life again

So the other day I was feeling really happy (random) and decided to put that as my status on facebook.  Not ten minutes later I got a text from a friend asking if I'm getting married. 

It's really annoying that that is the only reason a female in her twenties would put up a gleeful status notification.  In my friend's mind, that is.  I know she meant well, and wanted to go all "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" on me, but thanks, but no thanks.

This is exactly why I haven't told anyone about the wedding.  None of my friends, I mean.  I've told my parents, and the BFF.  But that is it.  I abhor all the squealing, the wanting to know every detail, the assumption that they'll of course be invited to the bachelorette party.  No.  No, no, no!

I don't want any of that.  The reason we're doing it up in the Motherland is for our parents.  If I had it my way, I'd elope.  Groom said this long ago, and I always said (prior to being engaged anyway) that it would be better to have some traditional wedding to look back at years later.  Hell no!  But it's not up to me.

What IS up to me is who I tell, and when, and how.  I thought about how this friend would probably feel offended that when she asked me, I was misleading in my answer (I said I definitely would some day, haha!)  But the thing is, this wedding, it's not for her.  It's for me.  And though I have few things in my power to control, this is one that matters to me, and no one will know for a while!

Who's Groom?

So I guess I should talk a little bit about the man in my life, Groom.

We met quite a few years ago and neither of us thought anything of each other (other than "ooh, he/she is hot") because we lived far away from each other.  Thanks to facebook and a mutual friend, we reconnected a bit later and the rest, as they say, is history.

Years of dating long distance have definitely been tough, but it wouldn't have been possible without Groom's patience.  It's odd: for most things, he is the most impatient, hurried man I've ever met.  But with me, with all my ups and downs, all my anger, all my sadness, all my craziness, he handles it all with ease.  Maybe this is why roller coasters don't phase him?

Either way, he completes me.  Yup, he's my Andy to my April.  He's my Ricky to my Lucy.  He's my Phil to my Claire.  He keeps me grounded and is real with me.  And for all these reasons, he's going to be my Groom in a few months.

So there you have it, some requisite lovey dovey, ooey gooey, sentimentalness...

Relatives coming out of the woodworks

Today I got an email from a relative who is very infrequent in her emails to me.  I wrote her a while back with various questions about her life, her job, etc. and she didn't reply until now.  And how's she reply to all my questions?  She just probes me with questions about my impending nuptials.  Annoying!!

So I will take my sweet time to answer her.  People always want to gain information but rarely want to give it.  At least that's how all my screwed up relatives are, anyway.

No additional phone calls from the parentals, so at least that is good.  Stress level is about a 4 out of 10 right now, so pretty great!  I hope I didn't just jinx myself though.