Bou Bhaath drama, Part II

This morning, Groom and I talked about the whole Bou Bhaath debacle.  We agreed (or so I thought) that despite tradition or what have you, the date needed to be the day after the wedding because a) this is our wedding and no one else's, b) everyone needs to be glad we're even doing it in India in the first place and c) tradition is fine until someone is getting hurt (mentally or physically), and d) we are limited on time as it is because of work, school, vacation, etc.

So after our talk, Groom called his parents.  He grabbed his phone and started opening the patio door.

"Where are you going?"

"Outside."

"Why?  Do you not want me to hear what you're saying?"

"Not really.  I don't want you to hate my parents in case they say something annoying."  Seriously?  WTF.  I would never hate them... that is so ludicrous.

"I would never hate your parents.  And I would hope you would tell me what all they say anyways."

To which he replied with a loud silence before going outside.  15 minutes later he re-emerged, looking annoyed.

"...So?  What happened, what'd they say?"

"They're pretty set in their ways... my dad said your dad said it was ok."

"What?  Well, he said he'd just go along with it, after realizing that your parents weren't having anything else as an option."

And then Groom just sat there, not saying anything.

"...So what is the bottomline?  What is happening?"

"They're keeping the date as is.  There was no talking to them about it.. as soon as I suggested changing the date, they both starting talking at the same time really loudly so I just said ok because it was annoying."

At this point I was beyond annoyed.  I didn't understand what happened, given that before he called them, we discussed what we wanted and he was totally agreeing with me.  Then he talks to his parents and things turn around 180 degrees.  I was sitting and thinking all this when he asked what was wrong.

"I am annoyed.  I am annoyed that we discussed what we both wanted and then you didn't follow thru.  I'm annoyed at how this is turning out.  I'm annoyed that they're being so inflexible."

"Well what do you want me to do, call them back?  They're all about tradition, I can't just say 'No, we want it this way' and then they accept that!"

"Ok, so who is getting married here?  Is it you and me, or them?  This is supposed to be our wedding.  We're doing all this, the wedding in India and most of the traditional crap, for them. I don't see why they can't compromise on this one little thing...Like I said, I am fine with tradition as long as it doesn't hurt someone else..."  I sighed.  "And no, don't bother calling back."

"Fuck this, I am calling them back.  This is so stupid."

So he went and called them back.  Again out to the patio.  30 minutes later he comes back inside.

"That took a while."

"Yeah."

"...So???  What did they say?"

"They didn't know it was a big deal about your dad's relative... but I explained the situation and they understood.  They said that we need to change the date and that they'd call your parents about that.  How much was the deposit?"

"What?!  We won't be able to find another venue, everything is booked... and the deposit was like a grand."

"Rupees or dollars?"

"Dollars!!"

"What?!  That seems like too much... well, I can pay for half and you can pay the other half if we can move it."

"My dad won't take my money.  I doubt he'd take yours either.  That's beside the point though, we won't be able to find a place."

"Well I don't know what to do.  There's no talking to them, their mind is made up.  We'll see after they talk to your parents again.  My parents said that they told your parents that the Bou Bhaath would be on that date once we decided the date of the wedding and your dad didn't say anything at that time.  And also, why did he put down a deposit before telling my parents?"

"That is annoying... I have no idea why he didn't tell your parents that... and why does he need to tell your parents before putting a deposit down?  I wouldn't have either.. he's planning and paying for everything, and your parents knew the wedding date, what more is there?  The date was set."

"No it wasn't, that's what we're discussing now."

"No, the date of the wedding was set.  The Bou Bhaath is what is not set in stone."

Our argument went on and on like that.  It finally fizzled and we were both sitting like zombies on the couch for 15 minutes before Groom got up abruptly saying, "Well, this is stupid and I'm not going to let this mess up my whole weekend."

Which really annoyed me because I feel like he was saying that only because his parents are kind of in the wrong right now... don't know if it'd be the case is it were vice versa. I needed to be out of that environment, I needed to be alone.

So here I am, sitting at a Starbucks, writing this to vent all my frustrations out to you, fair reader.  I am enjoying being alone with my thoughts, my coffee and this laptop.  Actually, I don't want to go home, but I know I need to eventually.  Till then, I will surf the net, peruse some magazines and people watch. 

Stay tuned for the next episode of drama... shouldn't be long. 

ETA: Damn, this coffee served as a laxative for me.  Guess I'm going home now!

Bou Bhaath drama, Part I

I am so livid right now.  Both our parents are being completely annoying.  To understand, you need to know a little bit about Indian - Bengali, in particular - weddings.

So for Bengali Hindu weddings, it's customary to have the actual wedding one day, then chill the next day (doing what?  why?  where?), and then the next day having this thing called Bou Bhaath.  This last thing is for a "welcoming the bride into the groom's family" party.  Don't even GET me started on that stuff (where is the "welcoming of the groom into the bride's family" shindig, eh?) but either way, it is always traditionally done two days after the wedding.

Well, we had a death in our family a few years ago with a relative that my dad was fairly close to... their family had done a lot for my dad's family many moons ago, so the passing was hard for my dad.  Anyway, so this is relevant because the anniversary of this relative's passing is on the Bou Bhaath day.  I, being completely unfamiliar with how Indian weddings go, just picked the wedding date for whatever day I wanted and thought nothing more of it.  Originally, I had picked that day, the very day of that relative's passing.  So my dad told me about how that day wasn't good because a lot of people wouldn't attend the wedding because of sadness, whatever.  So I changed it to two days prior, having no idea that now the Bou Bhaath was on this day.  My ignorance has cost me my peace.

Fast forward to last night.  My dad called me in a tizzy.

"They are being very insensitive!"

"What are you talking about, Baba?"

"We told them when the wedding is going to be, I've been on the phone night after night for hours on end  trying to book venues and finally got a place.. put down a deposit and now Groom's dad is telling me to change the date because they have to have the Bou Bhaath on the date that DeadRelative died."

"Oh."

"I told him the situation, and he said 'it's been a while anyway'... what?!?  How insensitive can you be?  It's barely been a few years!  And who is he to tell me how to cope with my feelings?  As soon as I suggested another date, I heard Groom's mother in the background screaming about how it can't be another date due to tradition... I had a little anger in my voice, and said 'Ok, do what you need to do.'  But I'm telling you this, not him, I may not show up because I have to give respect to DeadRelative.  His family did so much for us and I can't turn my back..."

"Ok..."

"He told me to change the date.  Like that is so easy to do.  I told him that I'd been looking for a long time, at many different venues but they were all booked.  He kept asking to look again.  I'm the one planning everything, I'm the one paying for everything and he can't be flexible on this one thing?  It's already costing $10K.  I'm trying to stay out of conflict as much as possible though... if they want to do it on that date, well it'll be fine, but your/our side of the family probably will be sparse."

"Oh, ok... well did you ask if they could change the date to the following day or maybe three days after?"

"Yes, like I said before... Day after wedding is unacceptable to Groom's mom because it's not tradition. She started getting very excited in the background and talking loudly.  Two days after is unacceptable because people are flying in from all over the country and they can't stay 'that many days after'.  Just one more day?  Seriously?  And have they already bought their train/plane tickets?  This early in advance?  I doubt it.  But I didn't want to go into contention and ask, so I didn't say anything."

It went on and on like that.  I've never seen my dad so worked up about something that wasn't geared towards me and my numerous offences... it was weird.  I felt like he was yelling at me, though I know he was not.

Anyway, as I was talking, Groom's phone started buzzing and I intuitively knew it was Groom's parents.  I tried to get Groom's attention, but he was otherwise occupied, doing dudely things like watching TV, playing video games, etc.  He couldn't hear me.

I finally got off the phone with my parents and told Groom about all the drama.  He agreed that his parents were being inflexible and would call them the following morning (today.)

Fell asleep with a headache and a stomach ache.

Anonymous international call

Today at the most inopportune time (trying to find parking in a busy street downtown), I got three phone calls in a row.  Well no, two phone calls and one text.  But they all sounded the same: buzz, buzz, buzz in my purse.

After finally parking (and subsequently being frazzled because I can't park worth crap and thus had to go over a curb to fit in the space), I checked who had hit me up.  One was some random number from Washington state.  I get telemarketers trying to call me all the time (that Do Not Call list is absolute crap) so I figured that's who that was.  Second number was an international one.  So it can be a number of people... well, two categories of people: my relatives or Groom's relatives.

Either way, I am glad I didn't pick up.  There's nothing more awkward than talking to older relatives in a language you're not used to speaking, acting like you care and are jovial when you obviously aren't.  They didn't leave a message, which is strange, but also good.  No message, no need to call back.

I haven't heard from my parents recently, which means they're either cursing me as a bad, ungrateful daughter or they just don't care.  Both equally lovely prospects.  I need to call them and see what the latest drama update is with respect to the wedding planning.

Random relative's facebook message

Yesterday I logged onto facebook and noticed I had a message in my inbox.  I opened it and it turned out to be one of Groom's distant relatives.  She had misspelled half of what all she wrote, but the overall message said something about welcoming me to the family and how she was happy for me/us.

So I know that when you marry someone, it means that you are becoming a part of their family.  And it's more so that the woman replaces her current family with the new groom's family than vice versa.  Well, I don't know what it was, but that really rubbed me the wrong way.  I know that she meant well, but I don't know this person and I don't really want to be a part of HER family.  Groom's yes, this random's, no.  I know they're not mutually exclusive though. ::sigh::

The worst part about it was that Groom barely recognized her name when I told him about it! 

I think the main cause of my feeling the way I feel is because my own parents don't deal with their respective in-laws well.  One side is totally overtly disrespectful, while the other is covertly disrespectful.  But either way, there is no acceptance.  And since that's all I've ever lived with and seen, that's what is being played out now in my life.  Damn it all!!!  How do normal people deal with this stuff?

I really wish all this crap didn't bother me so much.  I mean, this whole, "Welcome to my family."  I don't know if my side will say anything like that to Groom.  I wish we could just form a whole new family and not deal with the current relatives... but that's not really reality.  So yeah.

Damn facebook messes with my life again

So the other day I was feeling really happy (random) and decided to put that as my status on facebook.  Not ten minutes later I got a text from a friend asking if I'm getting married. 

It's really annoying that that is the only reason a female in her twenties would put up a gleeful status notification.  In my friend's mind, that is.  I know she meant well, and wanted to go all "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" on me, but thanks, but no thanks.

This is exactly why I haven't told anyone about the wedding.  None of my friends, I mean.  I've told my parents, and the BFF.  But that is it.  I abhor all the squealing, the wanting to know every detail, the assumption that they'll of course be invited to the bachelorette party.  No.  No, no, no!

I don't want any of that.  The reason we're doing it up in the Motherland is for our parents.  If I had it my way, I'd elope.  Groom said this long ago, and I always said (prior to being engaged anyway) that it would be better to have some traditional wedding to look back at years later.  Hell no!  But it's not up to me.

What IS up to me is who I tell, and when, and how.  I thought about how this friend would probably feel offended that when she asked me, I was misleading in my answer (I said I definitely would some day, haha!)  But the thing is, this wedding, it's not for her.  It's for me.  And though I have few things in my power to control, this is one that matters to me, and no one will know for a while!

Who's Groom?

So I guess I should talk a little bit about the man in my life, Groom.

We met quite a few years ago and neither of us thought anything of each other (other than "ooh, he/she is hot") because we lived far away from each other.  Thanks to facebook and a mutual friend, we reconnected a bit later and the rest, as they say, is history.

Years of dating long distance have definitely been tough, but it wouldn't have been possible without Groom's patience.  It's odd: for most things, he is the most impatient, hurried man I've ever met.  But with me, with all my ups and downs, all my anger, all my sadness, all my craziness, he handles it all with ease.  Maybe this is why roller coasters don't phase him?

Either way, he completes me.  Yup, he's my Andy to my April.  He's my Ricky to my Lucy.  He's my Phil to my Claire.  He keeps me grounded and is real with me.  And for all these reasons, he's going to be my Groom in a few months.

So there you have it, some requisite lovey dovey, ooey gooey, sentimentalness...

Relatives coming out of the woodworks

Today I got an email from a relative who is very infrequent in her emails to me.  I wrote her a while back with various questions about her life, her job, etc. and she didn't reply until now.  And how's she reply to all my questions?  She just probes me with questions about my impending nuptials.  Annoying!!

So I will take my sweet time to answer her.  People always want to gain information but rarely want to give it.  At least that's how all my screwed up relatives are, anyway.

No additional phone calls from the parentals, so at least that is good.  Stress level is about a 4 out of 10 right now, so pretty great!  I hope I didn't just jinx myself though.

Future MIL doesn't like me?

Yesterday Groom told me that Future Mother In Law (from here on out referred to as FMIL) asked him if I didn't like her.  What an odd thing to say.  I don't dislike her at all!  She's a lovely lady... the thing is that she is really really outgoing and bubbly and I'm... not.  I'm like a mix of April Ludgate from "Parks and Rec" and Carrie Heffernan from "King of Queens".  So when I encounter someone who's pretty much the exact opposite of me, I don't have much to say.

FMIL on the other hand always has something to say about any given topic.  She's super sweet and would do anything to help though, so I don't wanna sound like a bitch. 

I told Groom to just tell her that I don't talk much to anyone (true) and that I definitely don't not like her.  I don't know if or when Groom will tell her that, but I'll do my part and try to talk more and be more interactive.  Here goes nothing...

Date change announcement

I'm PMSing today which can't be good news any which way you look at it (except for the fact that you know Aunt Flow is coming, which means she'll leave that much faster.)

Everything and everyone is annoying the crap out of me, including myself. 

My phone was accidentally turned off yesterday and so I missed my dad's call... so then he proceeded to call me again at the butt crack of dawn today (8!) and then again at 10, when I finally heard it and picked up, half asleep.  Apparently the wedding date needed to be pushed back because the date I chose was the anniversary of a relatives passing.  Fine by me.

My dad also spoke about how certain relatives of ours heard the news with lukewarm apathy.  To be expected, considering they are some of the most jealous people I've ever encountered.  As long as there is no drama at the ceremony, I am good.

I feel like this wedding is consuming my life and it hasn't even been that long since I got engaged.  I am tired of thinking about it, tired of talking about it, tired of it all!  (Yeah, so why are you on here, you ask... I don't know.)  I wish I could press a pause button on everything and retreat to some cave for like a month.  Just me, the cave and some yummy food.  Oh, and maybe a good book to read.  Ah.. a girl can dream, can't she?

I haven't looked at saris, jewelry, hair, makeup or anything else for the wedding and honestly I don't think I will for a few months.  I never really understood women's obsession with everything wedding oriented.  It's not like little boys sit around and dream about wearing a tux and walking down the aisle. 

I should've been born a boy.  (No, I don't look like one at all, so it wouldn't work.  Plus I like hetero men, so there's that too.)

Mini success!

Dad called me today to tell me about how the talk went with Groom's parents.  He said he was happy with it!!  My father is not the type to say positive things like that, so I was more than elated to hear this coming from his mouth.

"They were very cooperative!  I was afraid they would have an issue with the date we chose."

"Oh!  Well that is great news!"

"Yeah, and they also said that they'd go over there a bit before the wedding to prepare and that if we needed help, that they'd accomodate."

"Wow, well that is really great."

I consider this a great success.  I am going to dwell on these diminutive victories because I don't know how frequently they'll occur. 

Eventually my dad gave my mom the phone to talk to me.  She asked if I had spoken to any number of relatives that I/we have had a falling out with... of course I haven't. 

"Well, I hope they don't cause a scene.  I doubt they will though..."

"If that happens, I will kindly ask them to leave.  That will be my day and I won't have anyone upsetting me on it."

Anyway, overall, today was a good day and I'm happier for it.  Trying to be more of a positive person as I am normally quite the pessimist. 

And so it begins... Part II

I spoke to my parentals about needing to call Groom's parentals.  I should have taken part in serious libations beforehand because to say it was a beating would be like saying "The Jersey Shore" cast is demure.  This may have also been why I was contemplating speaking to them the day after I had originally told Groom I would.  Regardless, it needed to be done, and I wanted this particular Indian monkey off my back.

First my mom picked up the phone.  I cut to the chase and told her that they needed to talk to Groom's parents to figure out dates and stuff. 

"...oh ok.  Hold on, talk to your father."

How many times had I heard this?  Countless.  Anytime there is anything of even remote importance, she relegates to him.  It's like telling her is never enough, nor does she ever even want to hear the details of whatever I am talking about.  I understand that both parents need to be in the know, but there is such a discrepancy between telling her and telling him first.  If I tell my dad anything first, he never feels the need to bring my mom into the conversation.  In short, it is exasperating and I'm just going to stop telling her anything to avoid further irritation on my part.

Dad got on the phone and he proceeds to tell me for the third time in the last few days how the cell phone companies are stupid "They want me to give MY social security number over the phone!!!" and how he proudly told them off "I told them 'Your company is stupid' and then I hung up on them!"  He gets hyped up on these type of things.  Anyway, after his lamentations were over, I broached the topic I called about.

"I don't really understand what I am supposed to call them for... you pick the date, we'll do whatever you want."

"Ok, I already told you the week I can take off work, so just fit it in that week.  I don't care which date in particular."

"I am feeling uncomfortable about this whole thing, but ok.  Just hope there is no drama."

Then there was about 15 minutes of him explaining how in the Motherland, he had seen countless people cause drama, how it was stupid, etc.

"What if they say the date is inauspiscious?"

"Then push it back a day."

"What if they say the whole week is inauspiscious?"

"Well that's unacceptable, I can work within that week but that's it.  Just tell them it's up to the bride's side and this is what we want."

"What if they say the whole month is inauspiscious?  What do you say then?  What if they say 'We can't do it anytime that month, it just won't work.'  What will you say then?"

I silently sighed and said, "Well, it's up to Groom and me and we don't have much vacation to spend.  So yeah, this is when and how it's going to be, end of conversation."

"Ok, we'll see."  Long pause.  "How long do you plan on being there?"

"I can take about a week and a half off."

"That is not nearly enough time!!  Your mom and I were thinking of taking 3 if not 4 weeks off to go!!"

"I told you I don't have enough vacation.  And anyway, I understand why you guys would need to go early, but why would I?"

Another pause.  "Yeah I guess you don't need to come early."  More pausing.  "Have you told anyone about this event?"

"The wedding?  No.  I don't want people asking a thousand questions about it."

"So then can we tell people?"

"Yeah, I don't really care."

"Ok, I'll invite only select reletives, but not the spouses I dislike."

"...Ok."

Then he went on for 15 minutes about how certain people within our family are jerks and what things they had to done to shun his otherwise warm familial tendencies (sarcasm).

The rest of the conversation was a blur as my headache was ever increasing and I was itching to just get off the phone and have a stiff cocktail. 

Texted Groom afterward to let him know that the deed was done and received a curt "K" as a response.  Apparently he was still sour from our previous conversation.  Well, I wasn't about to worry about it and make the rest of my day crappy because of it, or my parents, for that matter. 

The rest of the night was spent at an awesome restaurant, having an awesome dinner (Scotch eggs are TO DIE FOR), an awesome drink (whiskey sour type cocktail) and going to sleep in an awesome bed (snuggley goodness).

And so it begins... Part I

Today was fairly stressful for me.  Enjoyed myself thoroughly with the BFF, but Groom was acting up.  He was in a rotten mood because he was having to do various things for his parents over this long weekend.  Well, that's no reason to be ornery with me!

Last night, I told Groom that I was going to tell my parents to call his because that's tradition as far as conveying what dates the bride's side wants, etc, etc.  Goal was for them to call sometime this weekend.  So then why was this such a point of contention?

"Did you call them yet?"

"No, not yet... I'm out and about, and they may not be able to hear me, so I might do it tomorrow."

"Well I thought you said you'd do it today.  You still have a few hours in the day before it's too late."

"I have time to do it tomorrow if I can't do it today, so it's not a big deal." (tone starting)

"Is there a problem with you doing it today?"
"Why are you pressuring me?!  I said I'd get them to call your parents sometime this weekend and they will!  I told you that I'm out and about and they may not hear me because of all the noise in the background." (full tone)

"Fine, you don't have to freak out.  I was just wondering because you said you'd do it today."

"I was NOT freaking out, you kept asking and asking and I already told you why I might not do it today..."

The rest of the conversation was lukewarm, at best.  I sulked about for ten minutes before distracting myself with shopping for cute earrings and belts with bows for buckles.

Kate Spade belt



What's this all about?

Hello anonymous internet world.  I hope this blog brings you as much entertainment for you as it does stress relief for me. 

So here's my mini background info: I'm in my late twenties and I'm getting married.  Only I'm Indian, so it's going to be a week long affair in the Motherland.  (No, I'm not going to have elephants.)  I'm generally not a girly girl, but I think everyone else is expecting me to be so.  Hence my stress level already going up a notch or three.  I only recently got engaged, and the planning hasn't even begun, barring setting a date.

My goal is to be as hand's off as possible to avoid drama and confrontation (which I hate like Richard Simmons hates pants.)  My parents and Groom's parents have free reign to plan or not plan whatever they like.  I only wanted control over which date/week it was going to be on.

Stay tuned, next few postings will be catching up to current lamentations (or hopefully lack thereof!)